In The Chasms of Xuandao's Deepest Thoughts
Out of a sudden I feel so useless, so small, and so uncertain.
It has already been nine months since I stepped into NJC. Of course, things have happened and changes took place, but other than that, I wonder what else I have gained. Chronic traits like procrastination have survived through unscathed, if grown more potent, and it is worrying I have never managed to shake them off.
After an interview with Mr Bernard Tan for our SPIRE project, I have found that I am no more special than the rest in terms of life planning and time management, and that I am headed no where, with no solid goals or strong passion for things. Sometimes I picture myself as a body of water in the sea, devoid of distinct personal characteristics and a sense of direction. I would go wherever the currents carried me too, imitate the way how other bodies of water around me carried themselves, and experience storms and heat with an empty heart.
The way I present myself to the outside world is totally inherited from my past acquaintances. I laugh like the way my ex-classmate Andre laughed, and speak like how a friend spoke. Taking everything apart, nothing is orginal about me. All you see when you look at me is just an illusion composed by a kaleidoscope of impressions patched together.
On occasion I prided myself on how smart I was. But then I was deluded. There is always a higher mountain, as how we Chinese teach ourselves to think. And for my case, I realise that there are so many mountains out there that dwarf mine. Someone as brilliantly intelligent as Han Dong has more than enough to me hold me in awe, not to mention the Hwa Chong and Raffles students out there. But it is certainly not a reason to give up hope, because I know that I am not yet working to my maximum potential, which brings me to face the fact that I am ill-disciplined and lazy.
The major problem with me is that I do not have enough motivation. As how Mr Tan said, "students fail to link what they're doing now to what they are going to go through in the future." Very apt description for me, and, I presume, a lot of my peers. I do not really have goals in life. Sometimes, however, I have the vague desire to be a doctor in the future, but most of the time I choose to cast these thoughts aside, favouring ephemeral enjoyment rather than being realistic. It is really bad to behave that way, you know, because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But ironically I do not plan to fail nor do I want to go through the trouble of having a plan. Nothing comes for granted; I know that, but I am simply too lazy to face it and do something about it.
Most of the time I am drowned within the pool of playfulness, thinking little about the future, which always seems to be distant. Just like how you don't worry about the cholesterol in your food. Why? Because you know the fuss is reserved only for the middle aged people, not for someone as young and as vibrant like you.
"Youth is a wonderful thing, but wasted on the young." That was by George Bernard Shaw. Think it is very correct. The fact that we young people are always wasting their time away is somehow very regrettable, and the way we look at things in an immature sense can really be a weakness. Sometimes, I feel that I want to grow out of this urgently, but then nature has denied me.
I am not really a religious believer, but then now I just want to say, "oei, can i become mature? being small small like a kid sucks leh.. everything also not efficient one.. walau can you just let me grow bigger? if you get what i mean la. dont later make me grow until dam tall or dam fat hor."
Haha.
It has already been nine months since I stepped into NJC. Of course, things have happened and changes took place, but other than that, I wonder what else I have gained. Chronic traits like procrastination have survived through unscathed, if grown more potent, and it is worrying I have never managed to shake them off.
After an interview with Mr Bernard Tan for our SPIRE project, I have found that I am no more special than the rest in terms of life planning and time management, and that I am headed no where, with no solid goals or strong passion for things. Sometimes I picture myself as a body of water in the sea, devoid of distinct personal characteristics and a sense of direction. I would go wherever the currents carried me too, imitate the way how other bodies of water around me carried themselves, and experience storms and heat with an empty heart.
The way I present myself to the outside world is totally inherited from my past acquaintances. I laugh like the way my ex-classmate Andre laughed, and speak like how a friend spoke. Taking everything apart, nothing is orginal about me. All you see when you look at me is just an illusion composed by a kaleidoscope of impressions patched together.
On occasion I prided myself on how smart I was. But then I was deluded. There is always a higher mountain, as how we Chinese teach ourselves to think. And for my case, I realise that there are so many mountains out there that dwarf mine. Someone as brilliantly intelligent as Han Dong has more than enough to me hold me in awe, not to mention the Hwa Chong and Raffles students out there. But it is certainly not a reason to give up hope, because I know that I am not yet working to my maximum potential, which brings me to face the fact that I am ill-disciplined and lazy.
The major problem with me is that I do not have enough motivation. As how Mr Tan said, "students fail to link what they're doing now to what they are going to go through in the future." Very apt description for me, and, I presume, a lot of my peers. I do not really have goals in life. Sometimes, however, I have the vague desire to be a doctor in the future, but most of the time I choose to cast these thoughts aside, favouring ephemeral enjoyment rather than being realistic. It is really bad to behave that way, you know, because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But ironically I do not plan to fail nor do I want to go through the trouble of having a plan. Nothing comes for granted; I know that, but I am simply too lazy to face it and do something about it.
Most of the time I am drowned within the pool of playfulness, thinking little about the future, which always seems to be distant. Just like how you don't worry about the cholesterol in your food. Why? Because you know the fuss is reserved only for the middle aged people, not for someone as young and as vibrant like you.
"Youth is a wonderful thing, but wasted on the young." That was by George Bernard Shaw. Think it is very correct. The fact that we young people are always wasting their time away is somehow very regrettable, and the way we look at things in an immature sense can really be a weakness. Sometimes, I feel that I want to grow out of this urgently, but then nature has denied me.
I am not really a religious believer, but then now I just want to say, "oei, can i become mature? being small small like a kid sucks leh.. everything also not efficient one.. walau can you just let me grow bigger? if you get what i mean la. dont later make me grow until dam tall or dam fat hor."
Haha.
posted by ambivert at
3:22 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home